Eragon's Training Camp
by Strike of Shadow
Summary: Eragon is accepting applicants for the Varden army to defeat Galbatorix. Little does he know that training these applicants will probably cause him to lose several years off his life. Oh, and also teach him what alcohol is! Forgot that tidbit.
1. The British are Coming?

Hello, some of you may know me as Strike of Shadow, or perhaps Rachel. Anyway, hi. I wrote the story you are going to read in like 2 minutes. You may know me from my crazy story _Quest for Sanity._ This story is similar, but doesn't have Galbatorix acting like he's on weed. Well, maybe. I don't know. I may make some jokes from _Quest for Sanity_ in this story, so I'd read it. :D

So to all of the important stuff!

**Summary: **Eragon is accepting applicants for the Varden army to defeat Galbatorix. Little does he know that training these applicants will probably cause him to lose several years off his life. Oh, and also teach him what alcohol is! Forgot that tidbit.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Eragon or any of the characters. If I did, Galbatorix would be the druggie king and Eragon would wear a tye-dye shirt. That would be freaking sweet. Oh yeah, and Arya would like Eragon. Forgot that detail. Oh, and there would be Panic! At the Disco lyrics would be in it. haha just kidding. Put I do love Panic.

**Rating:** T for Teen for language and crap.

* * *

One morning, a teenager named Eragon woke up from his sleep in Surda. 

"Wow, that's a great introduction." Eragon complained.

Eragon then punched himself in the head for no apparent reason. He rubbed his head and shook his fist at the sky.

"What was the for?" Eragon yelled.

Then a knock came at Eragon's door. Eragon opened to the door to find a man with a note. The man gave the note to Eragon. Intrigued by the note, Eragon ripped the note open.

"Shut up before I pelt you, blondie. Love, Tisha. P.S. Stop stealing my men." Eragon read out.

All of a sudden, the door slammed open. Orik ran in immediately after that.

"The British are coming!" Orik yelled out.

"The British?" Eragon asked.

"Whatever their names are!" Orik said. "Galbatorix is bringing some of his evil minions with him to get rid of us very soon!"

"How did you figure this out?" Eragon asked astonished.

"Spies!" Orik exclaimed.

"Spies?" Eragon exclaimed.

"Yes, spies!" Orik said. "Disguised spies, mind you!"

---

"I can't believe I am actually doing this." Arya said dressed in a Girl Scout dress.

"Just knock on the door, say you are selling Girl Scout cookies, and he'll have to talk to you." Orik said. "Then start to come on to him and maybe he'll reveal something to you."

Orik hid behind a bush and watched Arya at the door.

"This is so gross." Arya said as she knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" the butler asked.

"I'm a Girl Scout selling cookies." Arya replied.

"We don't..." the butler said before he was interrupted.

"COOKIES!"

The door slammed open and Galbatorix jumped out of the door.

"Give me any cookies you have!" Galbatorix ordered.

"Well, they are 3 gold coins a piece." Arya said.

"I want them all!" Galbatorix exclaimed. "All of the cookies for me!"

"One minute please, I have to get the order form." Arya replied.

"Cookie...cookie cookie." Galbatorix muttered repeatedly.

Suddenly, Arya "accidently" dropped the order form in front of Galbatorix. She shuddered in her mind while she bent down and grabbed it.

_"Next time, I want to see that dweeb hiding in the trees in a skirt_," Arya thought to herself.

"How much is your as...I mean I'm attacking the Vard...I mean how much are the cookies altogether?" Galbatorix said quickly.

"Well, sir..." Arya said.

"You can just call me Galby," Galbatorix said seductively.

The laugh erupted from the trees and Galbatorix looked at the tree.

"That better not be those damn teenagers again," Galbatorix yelled. "with all of their hoopty-a-ha and that damn racket they make!"

"You know what, you can just have them all for free." Arya said while she walk away.

"No, baby, come back!" Galbatorix shouted. "I wanted to cuddle! Cuddle!"

Galbatorix began to follow her, and then the butler stopped him.

"You can't afford another restraining order, your majesty." the butler said.

"I know." Galbatorix whimpered.

"There will be other ones, sir." the butler said.

"I guess." Galbatorix agreed.

"Come on sir, there are some goldfish crackers in there for you to play with." the butler comforted.

"Yaaaaaaaaay, goldfish!" Galbatorix yelled as he ran into the house.

---

Eragon had a a horrified look on his face. Orik moved his hand over his face to see if he would react.

"Eragon?" Orik asked. "Are you okay?"

Eragon didn't move at all.

"Come on Eragon," Orik said. "You can't be horrified for the rest of your life."

Eragon still didn't move. Orik poked Eragon for a minute. Then an evil smile appeared on Orik's face.

"Arya's naked." Orik teased.

"Where?" Eragon asked.

"I'm naked?" Arya asked from the doorway.

"Uhhh..." Orik and Eragon said at the same time.

"I am just going to back out of this room, and close the door," Arya said as she closed the door. "and pretend that I never came in here."

The door closed, and then Eragon punched Orik in the shoulder.

"What was that for?" Orik asked rubbing his shoulder.

"You fool, you just embarrassed the hell out of me!" Eragon said.

"It's not like she'll ever like you." Orik said. "Unless she was intoxicated or you brainwashed her."

Then the door slammed open again, and Roran ran in.

"I have to gooooo!" Roran yelled as he did the pee dance.

"Next room over." Orik said.

"Thanks," Roran yelled as he ran out of the door.

He slammed the door shut and ran the other way. Orik rolled his eyes, and then looked at Eragon.

"Anyways, Eragon, since you're so smart," Orik said. "how are we going to defend the Varden?"

"I don't know," Eragon said. "What do they do in all of those nerdy books?"

"Well, I read in this book once that they create huge armies of people and then the other side creates a big army, and THEN BAM!" Orik replied.

"Bam?" Eragon asked.

"BAM!" Orik said. "They clash in this huge war, and the good people win! Meaning us, by the way."

"So basically you are telling me to create a huge army." Eragon asked.

"In around-about way, yes." Orik replied.

"So,I guess this is the point of time where I walk out the door and look for people to join our army, right?" Eragon asked.

"No this is the part where the chapter ends." Orik said.

"Oh," Eragon said. "that sucks."

* * *

Read and Review people. :D Next chapter is all about Galbatorix and Murtagh. Yaaaay. 


	2. Fangirl Attack

Chapter Two, yo.

* * *

King Galbatorix's castle in Uru'baen was oddly quiet on this day. Murtagh walked through the castle hall aimlessly until he reached a door that said "Do not disturb". Totally ignoring the sign, he entered the room to find Galbatorix sitting in front of this weird-shaped box, with this smaller box under it with a cord connected to it. At the end of the cord, there was this small object that curved into his hand. 

"Galbatorix, there's no more food left in the house." Murtagh complained.

"Can't you see that I am doing something important right now?" Galbatorix snapped.

"What are you even doing anyway?" Murtagh asked.

"Shut up, Murtagh!" Galbatorix yelled. "I'm on the hardest part of this level!"

"Hardest part of the level?" Murtagh asked.

"Do I bother you when you are in the middle of some..." Galbatorix asked.

Galbatorix let out a scream, and threw the controller across the floor.

"GODDAMNIT MURTAGH, YOU MADE ME DIE!"

"Good, now you can get more food." Murtagh said.

"I'm going to food your ass if you don't get out of here!" Galbatorix yelled.

"God, touchy, touchy, don't get your panties in a tizzy." Murtagh said as he walked out the room.

Murtagh shut the door and made faces at Galbatorix from behind the door.

"Look at me, I'm Galbatorix and I sit on my ass all day!" Murtagh mocked.

"Look at me, I'm Murtagh and I'm annoying as hell!" Galbatorix said from inside the room.

Murtagh looked both ways, and then whistled as he left the hallway. Murtagh walked outside, and then all of a sudden, this grassy figure jumped out of the bush and started chasing him.

"Ou no, it's Cookie Monster!" Murtagh yelled. "I'm sorry for stealing your cookies, so don't eat me!"

Murtagh ran away from the grassy figure, and then all of the sudden, something tackled him from the side. Then he woke up to see two girls looking at him from above.

"Oh my god, Carrie, he's waking up!" the one girl said.

"Isn't he gorgeous, Emily?" the other girl said.

"Watch it, Carrie," the one girl said. "he's mine!"

"No, he's mine, Emily." the other girl said. "I don't think you get it."

Murtagh sat up, causing the girls to move to the side. He rubbed his side, and the looked at both of the giggling girls.

"Hi, Murtagh!" both girls greeted.

"I'm Carrie!" the other girl said.

"I'm Emily!" the one girl said.

"We both love you!" both girls said in unison.

"Okay?" Murtagh said.

"I'm a bigger fan than Carrie!" Emily exclaimed.

"No you aren't!" Carrie protested. "I read the book in one day and you read it in two days!"

"Whatever." Emily argued.

"Murtagh, I even wrote a story about you and I!" Carrie exclaimed.

Carrie fiddled through her backpack until she found what she desired. She pulled out a purple notebook and gave it to Murtagh. Murtagh looked down at the cover of the story.

"Murtaghy and Carrie's Wonderful Night of Romance." Murtagh read out.

"Hey, I wrote one too!" Emily added.

Emily went through her bag, and then finally found what she was looking for. She giggled, and then gave a pink notebook to Murtagh.

"Emily and Murtagh's Night Together." Murtagh read out.

"You should read both of them and tell us which one you like better!" Carrie exclaimed.

"Yeah, totally, you should do that!" Emily agreed.

"Murtagh!" Galbatorix called from the window. "Time for us to plot evil fiendish things!"

"Well, I have to go." Murtagh said as he began to get up.

"No, no, no!" Carrie exclaimed. "Don't leave me!"

"Or me either!" Emily added.

"I'm sorry, but you can't be in the room when Galbatorix plots evil fiendish things." Murtagh said.

Both girls whined as Murtagh went back into the castle. Murtagh rolled his eyes and walked back into the castle. Slowly, he walked down to Galbatorix's Room for Plotting Evil Fiendish Things. Murtagh opened the door to see Galbatorix sitting at the end of a table.

"Please take a seat, number two!" Galbatorix said.

"Why do we use those stupid number codenames?" Murtagh asked.

"This room could be wired!" Galbatorix exclaimed. "You know how Major League Baseball spies on us!"

Murtagh rolled his eyes and then sat down across the table from Galbatorix.

"Where's that one guy...?" Murtagh asked.

"You mean Sil...Durza?" Galbatorix answered.

"Yeah, that one weird guy." Murtagh said.

"He said something about needing therapy and going to some place called Flor-e-da for Spring Break." Galbatorix answered.

"Alright." Murtagh answered.

"So, a couple other days, those evil Varden figured out my weakness for cookies and women in short skirts." Galbatorix stated.

"What happened?" Murtagh asked.

"Nothing too bad." Galbatorix said. "I just told them that I was going to attack them."

"Uh, Galbatorix, isn't that bad?" Murtagh replied.

"Number 1?" Galbatorix said.

"Uh, number 1, isn't that bad? Murtagh asked with an irritated tone.

"No, because then I'll still attack them!" Galbatorix answered.

"But they know they are going to be attacked so it makes it completely pointless to attack them." Murtagh added.

"But I told them I was going to attack them," Galbatorix replied. "so I have to attack them!"

"Whatever floats your boat," Murtagh said. "I'm not going to try talk sense into you because my brain will hurt more than it does right now."

"Thanks number 2 for the support!" Galbatorix said. "I know you'd agree with my logic."

"Anytime." Murtagh said with an irritated tone.

"So, Number 2, I want to round up all of my soldiers that aren't wussies." Galbatorix ordered.

"Aren't all of your soldiers wussies?" Murtagh asked.

"No, just ninety percent of them." Galbatorix said. "The other ten percent are non-wussies."

"You just need just ten percent of your army?" Murtagh asked.

"Of course!" Galbatorix said. "They can take care of those evil Varden!"

"Is there anything else you want me to do?" Murtagh asked.

"You know, I craving one of those pastries with fruit filling inside of them." Galbatorix inquired.

"Okay, I'll get you one of those pastries." Murtagh said with an irritated tone.

"Go and do my fiendish deeds number 2! Galbatorix said as Murtagh left the room.

Murtagh closed the door and stood in his positon for a few seconds.

"That did not just happen." Murtagh said to himself.

Then he walked down the hallway.

* * *

Chapter 2 is done. Yay! Thanks for the reviews, guys. They were amazing. :) 

Chapter 3 will be about Eragon. Yay! Remember to read and review!


	3. Awkward Moments with Eragon Shadeslayer

Hi. It's that time again where you read another chapter of this psychotic story. I know, pretty crazy stuff. This part will feature Eragon and his Varden homies. Yaay Chapter 3.

* * *

Last time, we learned that Galbatorix has secret meetings with Murtagh, and that Murtagh has women coming after him. Now we will learn of Eragon's plans to counter these attacks...

After Eragon's meeting with Orik, he spent some time thinking of ways he could make an army.

Eragon walked into his room and sat in chair that facing at the window. His eyes wandered outside as he thought about ways to recruit people into his army.

"Hmmmm..." Eragon said aloud to himself. "what are some things that I could do to make people that wouldn't want to fight actually fight against the Empire?"

His eyes scanned the ground below to see men and women of the town walking around. A woman laughed as a man hugged her. A couple of young men laughed and stumbled past his window talking about some drunk woman. Eragon made a face when an old man looked at him and starting laughing maniacally.

A lightbulb appeared over Eragon's head and he pointed his finger up in the sky.

"I got it!" Eragon exclaimed.

Then the light bulb crashed on Eragon's head and he swore loudly.

A few hours later, Eragon walked out of where he was staying with a medium-sized bag. He headed out of the square of the fort/town/whatever it's called.

"It's called a fort," Eragon complained.

All the people stopped and stared at Eragon. A young girl walked up to Eragon with her arms crossed. She tapped her shoe and then opened her mouth to speak.

"No it's not!" the little girl protested. "It's called a fortress."

"Same thing!" Eragon said.

"Nuh-uh," the little girl said. "Fort-RESS."

"Well I'm sorry." Eragon snapped. "Fort-RESS."

Then the people started walking like normal again. Eragon shook his fist to the sky knowing that this was deed of his worst enemy, the narrator of the story. He swore he saw her evil face laughing in the sky before he heard a couple of men in a carriage whistle at him.

"Hey sexy!" one of the men yelled.

Eragon awkwardly laughed and waved. Immediately after that he walked farther to meet Saphira. A toothless old man started cackling as Eragon walked by him. Obviously creeped out by it, he walked fast. When he finally caught sight of her, she was staring off in space. Eragon touched her mind.

_Why do we have to meet all the way over here?_ Eragon complained. _I just got told off by a little girl and some of those creepy men whistled at me!_

_I don't know. _Saphira answered. _That woman in the sky told me to come here._

Eragon looked up to see the narrator smiling and waving at him. Eragon growled and shook his fist at the sky again.

"I'll get you for this!" Eragon threatened.

Eragon looked back around himself to see various people staring at him. A woman covered her children's eyes.

"What?" Eragon asked. "The narrator made me do it!"

The people just shook their head awkwardly and went back to whatever they were doing. Eragon sighed and turned to face Saphira. Saphira blankly stared at Eragon.

_Quit staring at me like that!_ Eragon nagged.

_You mean like this?_ Saphira asked him as she stared at him weirdly.

_Yes so quit it!_ Eragon answered.

Saphira snorted. Eragon dug through his bag and he grabbed a pile of papers. He showed Saphira the papers and she looked at them. It read:

-

**FREE...**

**-MAIDENS  
-ALE  
-FUN TIMES**

_...get all this if you join the army!_

_-_

Saphira looked down at Eragon, who was cleaning his fingernails as he waited for Saphira to finish reading the flyer.

_Eragon, isn't this misleading?_ Saphira asked.

_No,_ Eragon exclaimed. _But more people will join if they see that!_

Saphira looked at Eragon with a weird look, then at the flyer, then at Eragon, then at a man resembling Galbatorix peeking out of the bushes, then at Eragon, then at the flyer, then at the man again.

_Who is that creepy old man, Eragon?_ Saphira asked.

"Oh, that guy?" Eragon asked. "he was following me the whole way here. He's just some crazy guy pretending to be Galbatorix."

Galbatorix stood up from the bush and waved.

"Sure," he said in a deep creepy voice. "pretending to be!"

Then he ran off cackling with a roll of toilet paper and some food he had stole earlier. Galbatorix jumped and mounted onto Shruikan who was sound asleep.

"You'll never catch me!" Galbatorix cackled. "Off, off, and awaaaaay!"

Shruikan didn't move.

"Off, off, and run awaaay?" Galbatorix shouted.

Shruikan still didn't move.

"Off, off, and Sally Jesse Raphael?" Galbatorix commanded.

Shruikan snorted, but then still didn't move.

"Damnit, Shruikan, you're ruining my get away!" Galbatorix shouted.

Shruikan opened his right eye and looked at Galbatorix. Then Shruikan closed his eye again and went back to sleep.

Saphira and Eragon looked at each other while Galbatorix squirmed and threw his arms everyway in the background. Galbatorix started yelling random rubbish about "the time I saved your ass when your tail got stuck in that pipe".

"Anyways..." Eragon said. _Can you fly above the town and just drop all of these at the same time?_

_Why would I do that?_ Saphira asked. _That will be littering the town!_

_Littering the town with my ads!_ Eragon exclaimed. _Everyone will want to join!_

Saphira stared at Eragon and then rolled her eyes. _Whatever you say, little one. _Saphira took the papers in her claws and flew off. Eragon looked over to see Galbatorix was still sitting there trying to get Shruikan to move.

"Hey, old man," Eragon said as he walked off. "You better move your dragon before it gets towed."

"Blahblah get my dragon towed and move it." Galbatorix mocked. The old man thought about what Eragon said and then chuckled for a minute. After a minute or so, he realized that he shouldn't of laughed because Eragon was making fun of him.

Then, Galbatorix cursed at the boy. "Damn you boy!"

A couple people walked past him giving him weird looks. "And damn you, and you, and you!" Galbatorix yelled as he pointed at the people staring.

* * *

Yeah, Chapter 3. That took me like two months. haha. I'll try to update more often. But yeah, we shift to another Galbatorix and Murtagh scene next time. I have no idea what I am going to do for that, but whatev. I'll figure something out.


	4. The Empire's Latest Additions

Hey all. I know it has been a really, really, really long time. But now I am back to update this story. Yayyy. I believe that we are now on a Galbatorix/Murtagh POV chapter. I hope you like it.

And I do not to own the song _Believe_ by Cher. Don't ask, just wait for the reasoning why. And I don't own the wonderful skit "Can I Have Yo Numba?" or Ralph Wiggum.

* * *

Murtagh slowly walked past a long line of assorted men. Some were tall, some were fat, some prefered Pepsi over Coke, some looked anxious and some looked like they didn't want to be there altogether. A sign stating "the line starts here" past Murtagh as he joined Galbatorix at a long rectangular table.

"Murtagh," Galbatorix said. "you have kept me waiting!"

Murtagh looked at a tense Galbatorix and then he rolled his eyes.

"Did you forget to take your happy pills or something?" Murtagh asked.

"Yes," Galbatorix exclaimed, "I lost my pills!"

Murtagh then contemplated the thought of Galbatorix without his pills. The image of Galbatorix dressed in all black giving orders to his whole army. Then he thought of Galbatorix with his pills and imagined him watching Spongebob Squarepants asking how a sponge could be friends with a starfish. His thought was interrupted by Galbatorix calling in the first entrant for a spot in the Empire's army.

"State your name please," Galbatorix said.

"My name is Joe," the young man replied.

"Joe, eh?" Galbatorix said. "sounds like a manly name, Joe."

The man looked at Galbatorix oddly. "Thanks."

"So Joe," Galbatorix asked. "do you have an associations with a G.I. Joe?"

"No," Joe replied.

"What about a Fat Joe" Galbatorix questioned, "or a Joe DiMaggio?"

"No," Joe repeated

"Really," Galbatorix stated. "but you have such a resemblance, such hair and body built!"

Joe nodded as Galbatorix was talking.

"So Joe can you answer this question for me?" Galbatorix asked. "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?"

Joe stood in his place and pondered the question for a minute. Murtagh was pretending to be awake but was actually asleep. Galbatorix looked intently at Joe while he pondered. Finally Joe opened his mouth to speak.

"Well I assume that it would still make a sound even though no one was there to hear it," Joe responded.

"Alright," Galbatorix replied. "finish this sentence for me: an old lady was speeding down the highway and when the policeman made her stop and get out of her car, she..."

"...cried and told the officer she was sorry for speeding?" Joe answered.

"I like your compassion," Galbatoix exclaimed. "Don't you Murtagh?"

Murtagh awakened at the calling of his name. He shook his head.

"Yeah sure whatever," Murtagh murmured before he fell back asleep.

"You are hired," Galbatorix decreed. "welcome to the Empire's army!"

Joe walked into the other room and then another male dressed in flashy clothing entered the room.

"Okay, alright, um" the man exclaimed. "my name is Jordan and I am going to perform for you today _Believe_ by Cher."

Before Galbatorix could open his mouth to respond, Jordan started outrageously singing the song. He started bobbing his head to the left. After about 30 seconds he moved his shoulders from side to side.

"Do you believe in life after love?" Jordan screamed. "I can feel something inside me say that I really don't think you're strong enough...OH!"

And he repeated the same thing...again. Though this time, he gyrated his hips and then began to skip around the room.

"But I know that I'll get through this because I know that I am strong," Jordan shrieked, "I don't need you anymore  
oh I don't need you anymore, I don't need you anymore, no I don't need you anymore!"

Then he then went back to the middle of the floor and posed with right leg in front of him bent with his leg behind straight out. His twidled his fingers as he stretched out to the sky.

"Thank you," Jordan said. "thank you very much,"

Galbatorix stood up and started clapping his hands.

"Oh that was lovely!" he shrieked. "you definitely are hired!"

Jordan skipped into the other room and another entrant walked into the area. He "bounced" into the room with his gangsta walk and then stood in front of Galbatorix.

"State your name," Galbatorix said.

"My name is By-run it's spelled Bryan but it's pronounced like By-run," the man exclaimed.

"Really?" Galbatorix questioned.

"Yeah boy yeah!" Byrun replied. "so listen I was looking at yo pictures I saw beautiful ass girls and I was thinkin...damn...damn...damn, can I have their numba?"

"Well no because those are my ancestors." Galbatorix answered.

"Oh, I see, I see," Byrun exclaimed. "I respect that!"

Byrun then left the room and another person strolled into the room.

"State yo..." Galbatorix started.

"So I can't have it?" Byrun asked from behind Galbatorix.

"No you can't have it," Galbatorix exclaimed.

"Oh I see, I see," Byrun stated. "you bein all selective cause you all family and shit!"

"No, I'm not all being selective because we all are family," Galbatorix replied.

"Oh really?" Byrun exclaimed.

Galbatorix began to give hand signals to his guards to take Byrun away. The guards walked up and dragged Byrun out of the room.

"Alright bye man," Byrun shouted. "I'm going miss you!"

But after numerous interviews Galbatorix has signed many people to his army. Out of the 10,000 people forced to tried out only 9,999 made it. Galbatorix talked to Entertainment Tonight crew about selecting his army.

"Well, Leeza," Galbatorix stated, "I had to make some tough decisions but the best of best were chosen to join my ferocious army."

Leeza went over to a random member of the Empire's newest additions to the army.

"So, sir," Leeza asked, "how do you feel about being chosen to represent your country?"

"When I grow up, I want to be a prinicipal or caterpillar!" the man exclaimed.

"Those are brave words from a formidable man!" Leeza claimed.

The man began to pick his nose. Then Leeza talked to other members of the army. Meanwhile, Murtagh finally woke up from his nap to see Galbatorix frolicking with his new army. Stretching out first, Murtagh got up from his seat and walked into the general direction of Galbatorix. Just then Galbatorix noticed him and walked up to Murtagh.

"Don't you think this army will be a lean mean killing machine?" Galbatorix exclaimed.

Murtagh looked at the mismatched soldiers. One soldier was intently picking their nose, another was staring at the blank wall with their mouth open, two were raming their heads together with metal helmets on, and one was preaching to all the soldiers about boxers and briefs.

"Uhhh," Murtagh studdered. "they are going to be real winners."

"I'm glad we agree" Galbatorix replied, "because if we didn't I'd have to kill you!"

Galbatorix began to maniacally laugh and point at Murtagh. Murtagh nodded and fake laughed. As he did this, he slowly backed away until he could safely run out of the room.

* * *

Yes, I know another chapter from crazy mind. I hope you liked it! Next chapter will be about Eragon!

Please read and review!


End file.
